Friday, February 01, 2013

The Feast of Saint Valentine

The Feast of Saint Valentine, patron saint of lovers, is celebrated on February 14. Not to be confused with the Feast of Saint Lickalot, patron saint of pussy lovers, which is celebrated every day.

There are certain obligatory rituals associated with Valentine's Day which seem patronizing, and hence less romantic. After all, if you're fortunate enough to have a lover, then every day is cause for celebration, an intimate feast, expressions of love and affection, hot sex, and the little gifts which mean a lot. In the spirit of love and lust, I humbly offer my top twelve suggestions for lovers and others -- watch a film you'll never forget, read a book you'll cum to treasure, go downtown for lunch, dine at the Y, slurp some fresh fruit, get kinky, enjoy a few orgasms.....

Tasting Her. A fine example of modern literature cleverly known as clit lit. This superb collection of erotic short stories about the delicious delights of eating pussy is written mostly by women. Consider it obligatory reading. Wouldn't it make a wonderful film project ?

Panties. Scented panties. Yes, that scent, the one that makes the world go round. And to show you really care, a freshly scented pair every so often.

Nipple Clamps. Or clips. Clothespins work well too. A litle pain to sparkle your pleasure, and keep your pussy wet.

Love Where The Nights Are Long. A small anthology of Canadian love poems. Published in 1962, but timeless and priceless, and now a collector's item. Includes a delightful ode to fellatio called 'Celebration', by a horny young Leonard Cohen.

The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. A classic romantic French film from 1964 with beautiful music by Michel Legrand and starring Catherine Deneuve. All dialogue is sung. Likely available from your local library. Watch it with someone you love.

Hitachi Magic Wand. Kinda clunky but still the number one sex toy among women. Electric, powerful and dual speed -- cumming hard is pretty much guaranteed, the only question is how often. The vibrator of choice for bondage and forced orgasms.

Maidenhair. In a heart-shaped locket on a chain, to be worn around your lover's neck where it rests close to the heart. Fill it with your adorable pubic hair, if you have any.

Bullet Vibe. The small compact design is perfect for simultaneous clit, tongue and toy fun. A hot extra dimension for those who love cunnilingus, and excruciating orgasms.

Clit Pump. Pump up your clit until it is engorged and swollen and super sensitive -- then have it lovingly licked and sucked, until you lapse into an orgasm induced coma.

Sybian Orgasm Machine (google it). The ultimate sex toy but terribly expensive. It provides simultaneous clit and g-spot stimulation and has been known to produce many a squealing squirting orgasm. Just climb into the saddle and ride like Lady Godiva, until you feel like Lady GaGa, and collapse in quivering whimpering orgasmic bliss. Wanna try it ?  Cum see me in Toronto.

La Vie En Rose. A womderful and moving film from 2007 about the life of French singer Edith Piaf, a most endearing and fascinating woman. Amazing performance by Marion Cotillard who won the Oscar for best actress.

Peach Slurpfest. Tie your lover down and ride his or her face until you cum. A favourite of pussy juice addicts who love to taste, swallow and wear the sacred nectar all over their faces. Women who squirt, gush or get very wet are highly prized and encouraged to give this tasty treat. It's the gift that keeps on giving -- one doesn't wash one's face afterwards for at least 24 hours.

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